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Apr. 24th, 2011

At the end of the day when I put my PJs on and lay down I realize how sad I really am.  I don't know what's wrong with me.

It's an empty all around feeling, and I can't stand it anymore.
What do I do now??
Someone, please help me.
This is such fucking bullshit.

It's been four months. How come we can't let each other go yet? I hate you, I hate your mother fucking guts. This needs to stop... I don't like you. I hate that we want each other. Why the fuck did you go and do this to us? I hate you. I HATE you.

... i love you.





So I erased all the music from my ipod shuffle, I had all the music that reminded me of Randy on that ipod, it's gone now, it's kind of a... refreshing feeling, I'm finally restarting kind of thing.


Oct. 8th, 2009

WOW I sure have been dead.  A lot more dead than you may think!

So Randolph and I broke up this past summer.  He's actually a cheating, manipulative piece of shit!  REALLY, HE IS.  Anyway, he cheated on me with a chick who's probably using him, and he has no business being with her, but whatever.  I saw it coming.  I am still in love with the kid, sadly, but I'm progressing rather nicely if I do say so myself.  Even though... well, I just can't say it because he just might see my LJ, because for some reason, he still wants to know what's going on in my life.
I guess we really never moved on.
I've heard more shit about this chick, but it's not my place anymore.  I'm not to save him, or warn him for that matter, about anything.  He's lookin' skinny like a model, quite unhealthy.  Again, not my place to save him.  I wish he was different, but he's not.  He knows he's not, he knows he's not truthful.
He's going to read this eventually.

I was planning on getting a restraining order against him, well, my dad was, he doesn't want him anywhere near me, or get the chance to get near me. 

My intuition is strong, and whenever I feel like I'm near him, I AM HAHAHAAHAHAHA i fucking hate that. 

I dont know.

nevermind guys


I'm slowly starting to realize that there's no way I can do anything strictly realism art-wise.  There's no way, I threw away a charcoal piece I had of just a tombstone.  Most of my AP concentration pieces are illustrations and not drawn from real life.  I will not take Oil Painting again, I refuse to.  I gave it a try, I didn't like it.  No big deal.  I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE ART CLASSES ANYMORE.  Mrs. Berry is ruining me, I won't drop AP though, I feel like I should follow through with it since art is a passion of mine.  I hate everyone in my AP class and I don't like how people seem to talk DOWN ON ME.  I am NOT stupid, actually, I'm pretty fucking smart.  I am NOT poor, I'm just cheap, there's definitely a difference.  I don't appreciate being questioned about my financial situation, especially in front of people.  No, money is not the reason why I'm not going to college right away, I just don't care to right now.  It's not a main priority and I want to take a BREAK.  I don't mind working a 9-5 job until I figure out what I'm going to do with my life.  I can honestly say I AM looking forward to the rest of my life, if you asked me 2 years ago I would've said I'd rather drop dead than deal with it.

Also, I'm getting kind of sick of a girl, who I will not say the name of for reasons better left unsaid, but a few know who I'm talking of.  Just leave my boyfriend alone, I don't want girls near him, no girls who aren't me.  If you're me go ahead, I don't care but you are NOT.  No, he doesn't want to be in your band, he might, but I'm not going to let him.  (I may be controlling, but I couldn't give a rat's ass.)   No, he's not going to teach you how to play a game THAT YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND HAS and no, he's not ever going over your house for any reason, ever. 

OHYAH.  I got my license.  I'm really excited, a lot of people I know failed the first time, and they all told me I'll probably fail.  I didn't.  I actually did very well.  I'm not allowed to drive far, considering my dad's in Florida and I'm not insured yet BUTTTTTTTT my mom let me go to my sisters store a few times and downtown, so little, teasing tastes of freedom.  I like driving a lot more than I thought I would....
I'm actually reaaally happy to be back in school today, even if it was a half day oh well...  It was still, I don't know, much needed?  I only have two Seamonkeys left FHDGHFGDHGFHAGD.  I went to Randy's today, things are better (again).  We watched Live Free or Die Hard which was actually a really good movie.  and White Noise.  it was kind of gay.  Now I have to work on my project on Tidal Energy.



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